Español / English 00:44 ; Thursday 11 August 2022

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CUENTO 2. Don Juan de Todos los Infiernos

Osoxile Productions Presents: El Gran Teatro de Maese Travieso

Today: Don Juan de Todos los Infiernos


Pedro? ¡Pedro! Pedro, tomorrow is November 1st. Pedro?

Hey, Botero. What did you say?

Tomorrow is All Saints' Day.

Then it is also your saint’s day. Congratulations! Do you feel better? Can I go on with my things?

Don’t talk nonsense. This is Hell. Not only there are no Saints here; we do not celebrate them.

What? Tomorrow is November 1st? Wow! You should have said so! On November 1st Don Juan Tenorio is performed everywhere. My favourite play! “Oh, my angel of love, do you see that…”

That’s why I came to see you. You have the devil of theatre running through your veins. And you always said that should you have a theatre on November 1st you would be a brilliant Don Juan!

Brilliant? If I ever play Don Juan, I would play it devilishly terrific!

Why don’t you go up there and show them what’s what?

You convinced me, Botero! Connect the transmitter, quick!


Bye, Botero! The play will be mine!

Good luck! …Brother.


Then, the dress rehearsal was good?

It will be the best Don Juan ever, don Alberto.

I hope so! This theatre awaits enthusiastically its yearly performance of “Don Juan”.

Don’t worry! I always moved the audience with every Don Juan I did in my native Buenos Aires. They threw flowers at the stage every time.

This theatre has always hosted a Tenorio on All Saint’s Day. It is a 150-year-old tradition, we can’t break it. The prestige of our theatre is now in your hands.

Don’t worry, Don Alberto.

I’m always a nervous wreck around the representation. Silly, don’t you think?

But what’s that? Who are you? What do you want?

Calm down, Don Alberto. I’m here for the advertisement.

Advertisement? What advertisement?

This one.

 “High-level Don Juan urgently required”.

I don’t know where did you get that. Anyway, Don Juan’s part is already taken.

This role is mine! I’ve been waiting for ages! I think I’m not clear enough. I’m not asking for it, I’m demanding it! Look in my eyes! Tomorrow, I’ll be Don Juan. Now, repeat.

Tomorrow, I’ll be Don Juan.

No! I will!

Whatever you say, yes, sir.


Now I am Don Juan. The role fits me like a glove! I'll meet you tomorrow onstage!


Justo! We must hurry up! Give me the hammer.

Take it!

Thanks. Come down here and give me a hand. We have to take away yesterday’s curtains.

It’s always the same. Alright!

And you always complain about the same.

That play was cool, but the tomorrow’s one… it will be a drag!

One, two and three.

I prefer American’s Halloween, with the witches, the skeletons and the nightmare monsters.

You dumb! People like to see Don Juan on All Saint’s Day.

Who’s Don Juan this time?

Someone Cesar Guillermo Norberto. An Argentine.

I know him. Last year he played Tenorio in Buenos Aires.

And how it was?

It was so appalling that the theatre shut down. Some Americans bought it and now is a garage.


I love this play.

I’m… I don’t know… it is the same every year.

Sorry, I nearly don't make it. It couldn't find a place for my car.

There should be a car park closer to the theatre.


Blind man’s buff

I got you!

Sister... Recogimiento!

Yes indeed, doña Inés!

How do you always guess it, doña Inés?

Because… it is the same every day.

It’s matins time. Stop the games and let’s go singing, like every day.

Mmm… Nuns. Nuns are very nice, but they are best served with French fries. What a surprise, doña Inés is with them. I’ll follow her; maybe I can lead her up the garden path.

Well, let’s go. Time to attend the convent chores.

Mother Superior! I would like to read a bit before.

Doña Inés, novices are exempt from convent chores. You can read as much as you like, dear.

My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven. His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set. His cheeks are as a bed of spices, as sweet flowers: his lips like lilies…

Wonderful, lady.

Who’s there? Is that you, Sister Sufrimiento?

No. This is… Surprise!

You here, Don Juan?

Here doña Inés, and with my best gift!

What did you bring me?

I brought you danger, doña Inés. If you want to see it, bring me to a secluded place where I can show you. Dark, if at all possible.

Can we see the danger in the dark?

It is the best place to see it, lady.

Follow me, let’s get into the convent. I beg you, Don Juan, to do not push me.

Come on, come on, lady.

Sit down on the couch and I’ll make the best idem scene of you whole life.

Alright, alright! But contain yourself! With your energy and your horns, you look like a Miura bull.

And you, with this white sheet, you look like the Phantom of the Opera!

Well, alright. That’s fine. Start!


Fulgencio! Be careful now, this is the audience’s favourite scene.

Don’t worry, Justo. I know it by heart. It is every year the same. Listen, listen… Oh, my angel of love...

That on this secluded shore, the moon shines clear and pure, and one breathes more easily? The gentle air from the fields filled with its sweet scents...

Be careful Fulgencio! You will fall down!

Keep calm! I’ve never fallen! The bad part of this job is that nothing ever happens.


But what in hell is this?

I’m terribly sorry!

No, you are not! You will be sorry when you feel my horns in your flesh.

Please, this is worse than running in the Sanfermines!


Hey, look! This guy has tomatoes!

Good heavens! Why cannot all day be identical?

But what a bad thing! What a bad thing! Get out!

Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the… Ouch! The little technical problems we had in this play. The company is ready to give you your money back.

There was enough tomato in the play.


What do you bet I hit his bald patch?

A vermouth.


Come on! Do something!

I do! I’m getting out!


I wonder how the play ended. What time must it be in Earth?

The bad thing about eternity is that we are always one hour ahead, like in Great Britain. There he comes! Is the play over? How was it? Did the theatre fall at your feet?

Yes! But I was in when it fell! Idiot! Then, it was going to be the best Tenorio ever, no? There you go!

The show is bound to have been perfect. Pedro is back with his usual devilish mood!